by Heath Lynch, Contributing Writer
The 355 is a new espionage action thriller from the mind behind… Dark Phoenix. Well, that’s not comforting, but at least this movie is led by talented Oscar-nominated actresses. There has to be something worthwhile here, right? Unfortunately, about halfway through yet another action sequence in which I cannot decipher a single thing happening on the screen, I’m left bewildered. I’m left wondering how such a wide range of incredibly talented actresses can be conned into such a generically bad and forgettable January release. I’m left to ponder if it’s just the characters on screen that are being gaslit, or if it’s also the audience as well. But worst of all, I’m left shaking my head at all the potential The 355 fails to capitalize on in any meaningful way.
Mace (Jessica Chastain) and Nick (Sebastian Stan) are CIA field agents tasked with retrieving a one-of-a-kind computer disk containing a program that could cripple the world. But their mission is botched, leading to mortal consequences. Yet it’s not just America that’s searching for this disk, but the U.K., Germany, Columbia, and China as well. So now as much as all of these world powers might want the weapon for themselves, they’re reluctantly teaming up to stop terrorists from obtaining it, as they’re a risk to plunge the world into chaos.
Let’s at least start with the biggest positive here, and that is having Chastain and Lupita Nyong’o as the anchors of our cast. Frankly, if we’re being honest with ourselves, I can’t imagine how much more I would’ve disliked this movie had these two ladies not been front and center. Although the script does these performances no favors by providing underwhelming dialogue and weak moments, these two are giving it all the gusto that they possibly could. They are fully committed to this film, even if the film is not committed to them. Beyond these two, Diane Kruger is actually fairly entertaining. Her character is fairly one-dimensional, and her backstory is haphazardly put together, but she’s at least putting something out there that makes me want to see her do more action movies. It breaks the image that I have of her in my head from National Treasure. Penelope Cruz and Fan Bingbing are fine in their roles as well, but nothing really to write home about. Cruz displays some emotions, but it’s the same emotions throughout the entire film with little change. Fan is simply not in the movie long enough to contribute anything substantive. As a team, these women are easily the best part of the movie. It’s not entirely shocking when three of the five are Oscar-nominated actresses, two of them having taken hold the gold. The talent here is undeniable.
Unfortunately, that’s about where my excitement for this movie ends. The 355 is destined to perform terribly at the box office. The January release, the spike in coronavirus cases, the word of mouth, the already overwhelming negative reviews, and the poor directing choices show that this is going to be a flop. The worst part is that Hollywood will take all the wrong lessons from this experience and say that it’s the concept of a female-led action film that doesn’t work. In reality, it’s the movie itself that’s bad, and the concept is the most exciting part of it. These actresses do everything they can to try to save this project, but it is just unsalvageable all the way down to its title.
Speaking of which, what a letdown in the title. The 355 is in reference to the first female spy in United States history, rumored to have been employed by George Washington. To this day, no one knows the true identity of 355. The title is supposed to be invoking the premise of a super elite female assassin. It would’ve been so much more fascinating if the script could’ve been reworked to have this aspect of lore woven into the story, that somehow the legend of 355 has remained alive and kicking for hundreds of years, and is still in existence to this day, and that we as an audience just happen to have stumbled upon something grand in scale that we were entirely oblivious to in our everyday lives. Instead, 355 is mentioned in a one sentence joking reference in the epilogue of the film. Entirely wasted in its potential for world building, backstory, and lore, as well as uniquely fresh narrative elements. None of that exists in this film.
Instead, we have a generic spy thriller that is about as paint-by-numbers as you could possibly imagine. You could copy and paste 90 percent of this script from pre-existing action films. In fact, you could probably predict every single twist and turn this movie weakly attempts to throw at you. I know I sure did. Even based off of my earlier synopsis, I’m sure you already have a gist as to what’s actually happening in this movie, and your eyes are rolling as a consequence. Nothing in this movie is surprising or engaging in any way, shape, or form. It’s a macguffin fetch quest that constantly repeats itself over and over. I lost track of how many times they retrieved the disk, only to lose it and have to retrieve it again. I believe some of the Fast and Furious movies have more tightly-wound plots than this film, and that’s saying something. Whatever magic our actresses are trying to give us is squandered under the mediocrity of this pathetic script. It’s not even just the narrative structure, but the cringey dialogue that hampers the experience as well.
Any redemption this movie hopes to achieve would be earned in its action sequences, which unfortunately end up being some of the weakest elements of the whole film. To say that this is horribly edited and poorly shot would be an understatement. This is well beyond The Bourne Identity shaky cam craze that became a fixture in action films through the mid ‘aughts. No, this is an earthquake caught on screen. There’s very little that is remotely discernible. The camera positioning is poorly framed and it usually does not even capture the actual fight. Worst of all, this is cut to high hell, with several editing blunders to boot. Continuity errors abound, such as objects or people jumping from one area of a room to another. Or, there are kicks and flips that have three to four different cuts in them. I’ve seen many Marvel movies that look better than this, and I think most Marvel movies are horribly edited in and of themselves. It’s such a disservice to the performers and the stunt workers to see all of their work and effort being carved apart like a Thanksgiving turkey. This is next level bottom tier action.
It shocks me that Simon Kinberg is getting these directing roles. After completely botching Dark Phoenix, you would hope that it would have been the end of his short career. But I understand and appreciate the notion of second chances, so seeing him here at least makes a little sense. But if this is his second chance, I would think this should be the end of it. There are way too many talented directors out there to continue to give this man work, especially if you want to actually embody what this movie pretends to stand for in terms of women’s empowerment and equality. Why couldn’t this be a female directed picture? Hell, I’m pretty sure Chastain herself would’ve been able to do a much better job putting this film together, even with the underwhelming script. The fact that Kinberg is still working on the remakes for The Running Man and Logan’s Run while also working on Deadpool 3 only tells me that men fail upwards in Hollywood. Sad.
The embodiment of so many of my frustrations regarding this whole movie are on full display in the awful epilogue. This movie does a decent job throughout of showing and not telling exactly what is wrong in our society in regards to gender equality. But at the end of this movie, in case you didn’t watch the rest of the movie and weren’t paying attention to anything whatsoever, it spells it all out for you. Do you remember all the times the female characters were being gaslit into believing their world was one thing, when it really was another? I’m sure you do, because we’re going to tell you about it! Or all the elements of gatekeeping in which the women weren’t allowed to do what the men are allowed to do? Well we’re gonna talk about that too. How about mansplaining, just like I’m ironically doing right now? Well the movie is going to unironically talk about how you missed the point. We’re going to talk about how women aren’t trusted, about how they’re not treated fairly, and how they’re seen as inferior… just in case you missed it. While all of these issues are real issues in our society and warrant honest conversation, this movie goes about it all the wrong ways. By spelling it all out, you’re insulting the intelligence of the audience. It comes off as pandering with a big helping of clunky dialogue, instead of actually understanding the subject matter it’s trying to approach. I’m not a woman, so I cannot speak from a woman’s perspective, but as a man who considers himself a feminist and absolutely wants equality and better representation for women, I felt that this ending monologue was like being spit in the face.
Under the vision of a different director and with a revamped screenplay that encourages the lore of the 355 female agents throughout history, I imagine this movie could’ve been terrific. You already have an amazing cast that will do more than enough to captivate audiences; they just needed some great material to work with. As it stands, The 355 is not that movie in the slightest. It is a disappointment that deserves its January release, and it will be deservedly forgotten by the vast majority of people in just a few months’ time.
Grade: D+
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