by Heath Lynch, Contributing Writer
You know that legendary meme about the kid who is trying to talk about achievable dreams? It’s a great meme, and even oddly relatable. We’ve all had those moments where we stumble on our words. Getting our wires crossed as we try to say multiple different things all at once. When what started as a genuine attempt to say or do something impactful gets fumbled and turns into an unmitigated mess. That’s what makes the meme feel so true. That’s what’s made it stick over the years. That, and it’s just really funny.
Disney’s newest live action remake of an animated classic, Snow White, is the embodiment of this meme. A complete mess of a film as it tries to do too many things with little to no focus.
Except it’s not funny. It’s tragic.
I don’t inherently have a problem with Disney remaking their animated films. Especially their older films. Hell, it’s been nearly 90 years since Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, the first ever feature-length animated film, hit theaters. Why not take a new stab at it when you’re a decade short of a century? The problem comes from the overall poor execution of the overwhelming volume of remakes we’ve already had to suffer through at the hands of Disney’s avarice. Since Time Burton’s Alice in Wonderland started this trend 15 years ago, we’ve had 20 of these damn things, including Snow White. Here’s a fun game: Can you name all 20? Without looking, can you name 20? How about 15? What about half of them — can you do 10? The point is that it’s hard to get excited about these films when the vast majority of them have sucked. There are maybe, like, two or three that people find favorable on average. That’s not a good hit rate. This context matters. Because while this new Snow White may be mediocre in a vacuum, it’s aggressively frustrating with context. We’ve had too many poor films; mediocre and/or average is just not good enough anymore.
The central crux of the problems are due to the fact that no decision was ever made about whether the studio wanted to try to produce a faithful adaptation of the original film, or to try and put a new take on the classic story. In the end, it appears the studio decided to throw their hands up in the air, say screw it, and just do straddle both paths. That lack of focus is apparent throughout the entire runtime, and is the biggest reason this film suffers.
To be fair, the film has enjoyable moments. Loving tributes to the original, and some new exciting elements. Watching and hearing the dwarfs singing “Heigh-Ho” is nostalgic and joyful, the bright and colorful visual and costumes evoke the spirit of the classic, “Whistle While You Work” is refreshingly updated and cheerful, and some of the visuals, particularly the segment where the enchanted dark forest tries to grab and eat Snow White, are absolutely stunning. Transfixing even. In terms of new aspects, seeing a fleshed-out origin for Snow White, and a deep exploration of her parents, is great. As are the narrative themes about authoritarian regimes and a need for social safety nets and societal support structures in trying times. I even enjoyed the new song “Princess Problems,” a satirical play on first world problems as they relate to the Disney Princess archetype. Speaking of our princess, Rachel Zegler truly embodies the spirit of Snow White. She feels magical and larger than life, while also being grounded, approachable, and friendly. It doesn’t hurt that she has such a lovely voice and hearing her sing is quite moving. Her performance in West Side Story a few years back was no fluke. Please disregard racist internet trolls. Zegler is great.
But while there are individual moments that shine, the larger structure of the film is a constant clash of tone and narrative. The storytelling is convoluted when we’re trying to tell a story about the seven dwarfs, but then we’re also trying to half-ass tell as story about seven rapscallion bandits (completely separate people from the dwarfs, even though they dress and act like them) just hanging out in the woods trying to survive the tyranny of the Evil Queen. It is quite clear that in an early draft of the script, these rogues were meant to be the seven dwarfs as we know them, but when set photos of them leaked years ago, Disney opted to course correct after widespread fan backlash and internet outrage. But they only recoiled so much as to add the dwarfs as we know them back in the film… while still choosing to keep the seven bandits? It’s all so surreal. This one issue represents the entire film in a nutshell. New ideas were thrown into the mix, but old material wasn’t abandoned, so it’s just a sloppy mess. Over half the songs are new, but outside of “Princess Problems,” I can’t even recall a single one, as they drown in the background. To make room for all these new songs, we cut some of the old ones. But on the flip side, we decided to focus so hard on the dwarfs, even giving an entire arc to Dopey that’s unironically the best character work in the entire film, such that the new bandits might as well not exist. I couldn’t tell you a single one of their names, or anything about them, other than one of them really likes crossbows… for some reason. The push and pull between the old and the new is at constant odds with itself throughout this flick.
Snow White would’ve been potentially salvageable if this was the only issue, but the problems don’t stop with the mishmash of ideas. There are a litany of other concerns that will really make you scratch your head.
Why were the dwarfs animated with extremely plastic/uncanny valley-looking CGI? It was such an awkward visual choice that really detracts from the experience. This would be such a better movie if real actors portrayed the dwarfs. Why did we introduce a scoundrel love interest for Snow White instead of cultivating better options? We have Flynn Rider copy/pasted straight from Tangled into this story, with zero unique qualities to him and generic acting/singing chops, and I’m left wondering what the point was. Wouldn’t it have been better to flesh out Prince Charming from the original, so Snow White could ally herself with another kingdom capable of helping her take her crown back from the Evil Queen? Or a far superior option: Why not just have Snow White’s dad come back to save the day and provide true love’s kiss? It would’ve been a great way to subvert expectations and tie together the themes of family throughout the film. There arguably isn’t a more pure form of love in the world than that of what a parent has for their child. Hell, the movie makes you think the king is alive through most of the film; I thought it was going in that direction. Would have certainly been better than what we got. Why is Snow White in her sleeping coma for just three minutes of screen time, encompassing a day in the storyline? Why even keep that in the narrative if it’s not going to impact anything? Why did we bloat the runtime by more than 30 minutes, when compared to the original film, to add all these new elements if we’re not going to invest in the new material? All it does is make the runtime laborious. A measly 109 minutes has never felt so long.
I could go on and on — the problems are numerous in quantity.
We also have to discuss the Gal Gadot of it all. There’s no other way to put it: She’s just a bad actress and she shouldn’t be here. I think we, as a society, have gotten to the point where we can stop pretending that she’s good at this whole… acting thing. Yes, she’s incredibly attractive. That is undeniable. Sure, she’s had good moments, and ones that have even impacted pop culture and society at large. Looking at you, Wonder Woman. But on the whole, we need to knock this out.
It’s hard to even understand what she’s doing in Snow White. She plays her role with campy attributes that are completely out of place with the rest of the film. The movie, by and large, is taking itself quite seriously. Sure, there are jokes, but the messaging and characters are to be interpreted as they’re presented, Gadot and the Evil Queen are not like this whatsoever. Her over-the-top antics and crucial acting moments are lacking. Especially her singing. Yikes. Even her transformation into an old witch, a crucial point in the story, doesn’t work. The spell has a direct line of dialogue that calls for an “Old Hag’s cackle,” but as Gadot virtually doesn’t even change the tenor of her voice. She just sounds the same. She sounds like the Evil Queen, which makes Snow White look even dumber for trusting her and biting the apple. Why wouldn’t she recognize her evil step mother’s voice that she’s heard every day of her life for the past eight to 10 years? Why does Gadot chew scenery and make a laughable mockery of a character that’s supposed to be sinister and despicable? Why is she trying to get laughs when nothing else in the movie is matching her tone? I don’t get it.
Last major point: It’s also odd how Snow White fights so hard to condemn authoritarianism and dictatorship while supporting social safety nets and inclusion, given the nature of the studio itself. On the one hand, this messaging is to be commended, especially because of where we are politically in the world today. On the other hand, in real life, Disney as a studio has been capitulating to Donald Trump and his speedy march towards authoritarianism and dictatorship at every step. It’s hard to take Snow White and its messaging seriously when Disney is making massive donations to Trump for his inauguration, eviscerating their DEI initiatives, and rolling back worker protections. The Walt Disney Studios stand against everything that Snow White seemingly stands for, and it makes the film feel hollow.
Especially when this Snow White has the Magic Mirror completely change its definition of fair. The classic line of, “Who’s the fairest of them all?” has always been about external, physical beauty. But this new flick uses the word “fair” to simultaneously mean morally righteous, above discrimination, and providing equal opportunity to all. In which case, it makes me wonder why Disney ever went forward with this. More so, it makes me wonder how the Evil Queen was ever the fairest in the land. Like, even for one day. Even for one second of one day! She is starving her kingdom! Plundering their riches and resources! Killing off her citizens! She is an objectively terrible person! But sure, she was the “fairest in the land” until Snow White was old enough to be hot and start to rebel against her, or whatever.
Yes, Zegler is really good. Dopey (who is voiced by No Hard Feelings and Saturday Nightstandout Andrew Barth Feldman) is the best part of the movie without question. There are fun songs. Great nostalgic moments. But when you look at Snow White in its totality, it is truly a poisoned apple — rotten to its core. There are so many more reasons to be disappointed than there are to be enthusiastic.
So once again we are left with yet another disappointing, if not outright bad, Disney live action remake. Yeah, Cinderella worked, Cruella was genuinely inventive, even if it had nothing to do with the actual character, and The Jungle Book does a decent job, but outside of those, this whole enterprise has been an exercise in frustration and futility. If average is the best Disney can do, then I really think it’s time the studio should look itself in the mirror and ask, “Who’s the fairest movie studio of all?” I doubt they’ll get the answer they’re looking for. It might be time for the dream of live action remakes to die. Oh wait! We have Lilo & Stitch coming out in just two months, and Moana is just around the corner. Great, I hate everything.
So, Disney. I have to ask…
Have you ever had a dream that you, um, you had, your, you- you could, you’ll do, you- you wants, you, you could do so, you- you’ll do, you could- you, you want, you want them to do you so much you could do anything?
I’ve had that dream. It’s to see you stop wasting our time with these bad live action remakes.
Rating: Didn’t Like It
Snow White is currently playing in theaters
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