Come on, we all know the real board game portal to the depths of evil is Monopoly right?
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“Ouija” is the story of how a group of young friends find themselves facing their deepest fears after connecting to the spirit world through an old Ouija board. As they try to figure out what exactly is going on we are dragged along for the ride through every horror movie cliche imaginable with the added bonus of the extended scenes of the actors just sitting around watching evil spell out words letter by letter on the screen. Man this movie is boring, which I’m pretty sure isn’t a great thing when you are trying to scare people.
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I mean I guess if I had to say something nice, it might be that it’s pretty cool that they made a horror movie that even those with heart issues can enjoy without worrying about it being too much on them. Just a nice simple, run of the mill ghost story that won’t work you too much beyond your resting pulse rate. Now that the backhanded, sarcastic, compliment portion of the review is over, let’s get to the truth, this movie is awful.
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And not in the so bad it’s good kind of way. The movie is just proficient enough that it even steals any joy of making fun of it, choosing rather just to exist in the bland, nothing new to see here, category of film making. There’s just nothing interesting here. For the first hour of the movie there is literally nothing to be scared of except the occasional loud noise or person entering a room unexpectedly. It’s like someone is making a parody of scary movies but decided to leave any humor out of it. The acting is just mediocre enough to keep me disinterested, and by the time the story kicks in I’ve lost the will to even care that it’s as basic and non inventive as the rest of this mess. Look, if you are going for suspense, but don’t have any genuine reason to be afraid, the result is boredom. All those long gaps of blank stares, and slowly walking through dark houses with creaking noises, just become a different kind of lullaby, with each poorly lit hallway and shadowy figure becoming another sheep jumping over the fence as we head toward blissful slumber. And that’s before I even mention the way a character just happens to video herself giving all the important plot information that her friends just happen to find. Or an ending so over the top and cheesy that I laughed out loud in the theater. Granted, I’m not a horror movie guy to begin with, but come on, the only people I can imagine finding this movie scary are the agents of these actors just hoping their clients careers aren’t killed off for good. Oh the horror.
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When it comes right down to it, “Ouija” is a complete waste of time. You open the box thinking it might be suspenseful or scary, but end up realizing the whole this is just made of cardboard and plastic. If you sit around in a circle and ask me about this movie, the selector will immediately move to the letter F.