by Heath Lynch, Contributing Writer

Welcome back once again to Oscars: What If, as we travel down memory lane and examine the Academy Awards from years long gone. For those who are new, we’re not here to speculate on what could have been with the categories we all know and love. You can read the standard Oscar snub lists elsewhere. Instead, we’re taking a look at what could have won categories that don’t even exist. Someday, hopefully soon, the Oscars will start honoring these skills and traits, as they surely deserve recognition. Until then, we must do the job that the Oscars are unwilling to do. Let’s go back to the year in which NASA launched the very first space shuttle mission, the DeLorean DMC-12 futuristic sports car was made (Back to the Future still four years out), the Iran Hostage Crisis ended after 444 days, IBM released its first-ever home PC, and Lady Diana married Prince Charles. It is time to examine the films of 1981, celebrated at the Oscars in 1982. Let’s see what could have been! 

Best Stunts and Choreography

Given to the best achievement in dance, stunts, related performances, and overall choreography for film.

And the nominees are… Escape from New York, For Your Eyes Only, Mad Max 2: The Road Warrior, Pennies from Heaven, Raiders of the Lost Ark

And the winner is… Pennies from Heaven!

This was a close one. In a year littered with many tremendous action and adventure films that are bursting at the seams with spectacular stunt work, there was still one film that stood above the rest, and it wasn’t an action-adventure film. Pennies from Heaven, while having problems as a film itself, is terrific when it comes to its choreography. It beautifully creates tremendous musical moments, stage performances, or spontaneous dance numbers set during the Great Depression in Chicago. There are immaculate numbers with numerous extra dancers totaling up into the dozens that rival some of the biggest dance routines you’ve ever seen, as well as recreations of fun Vaudeville acts, and even Christopher Walken tap dancing on top of a bar while doing a sultry striptease. Do yourself a favor and drop by YouTube to look up some of these dance numbers. You can thank me later. This flick is hilarious, moving, and genuinely impressive with all the different varieties of song and dance choreography jam-packed into this movie. Pennies from Heaven deserves some serious recognition. 

Best Performance by Voiceover or Motion Capture

Given to the best off screen voice performance, or on screen motion captured performance, for film.

And the nominees are… Mel Blanc as Various in The Looney, Looney, Looney Bugs Bunny Movie, John Candy as Various in Heavy Metal, Jim Henson as Various in The Great Muppet Caper, Mickey Rooney as Tod in The Fox and the Hound, Kurt Russell as Cooper in The Fox and the Hound

And the winner is… Mickey Rooney as Tod in The Fox and the Hound!

Here we have another category that could’ve fallen many different ways. This time I’m opting to go with the performance that makes you bawl your eyes out. To this day I know many people who don’t want to watch The Fox and the Hound, as it’s the one Disney movie that just makes you cry too much. A big part of that is Mickey Rooney’s performance as Tod. The way he elicits sympathy from the audience after losing his friendship with Cooper, being abandoned in a wildlife preserve, and then being hunted down by a bear and Cooper himself is crushing. The central premise around losing a dear friend, while the film overall acts as an allegory for racial prejudice instilled by previous generations, is what makes this movie so heartbreaking and important to this day, and what makes Rooney’s performance so memorable. This movie doesn’t work without him.

Best Performance by an Ensemble Cast

Given to the best overall ensemble cast performance for film.

And the nominees are… Atlantic City, Chariots of Fire, Das Boot, On Golden Pond, Ragtime

And the winner is… Das Boot!

Not exactly sure how many times I went back and forth on this one, but I believe the count is somewhere in the millions. Every single film nominated here is exceptional when it comes to their ensemble performances. But in the end, I do believe this has to go to Das Boot. This west German film does not have the marquee name, other than possibly Jürgen Prochnow, that you’re going to recognize. But it doesn’t need one. The performances that these actors are giving in this claustrophobic submarine war epic are mesmerizing. Whether it’s watching them hold their breath as they tremble with fear while their submarine sinks to unfathomable depths, or observing the divide amongst the soldiers between those devoutly loyal to the Nazi ideology versus those who have completely lapsed and grown weary and resentful of the war, is endlessly captivating. You also get a real sense of humanity in these soldiers when they desperately beg to go home to their families, friends, or even to just watch a soccer match and enjoy the Christmas season. It’s all the more gut wrenching when you see these men come to their catastrophic end. There is a sense of genuine relatability that performances achieve. Das Boot is definitely a deserving winner as one of the greatest ensemble works of all time. 

Best Directorial Debut

Given to the best achievement in direction by a debut directing talent for film.

And the nominees are… Jim Henson for The Great Muppet Caper, Hugh Hudson for Chariots of Fire, Lawrence Kasdan for Body Heat, Michael Mann for Thief, Sam Raimi for The Evil Dead

And the winner is… Michael Mann for Thief!

Though it might seem blasphemous to some as I know there’s a massive fanbase for Sam Raimi and The Evil Dead, this was actually a clear runaway for Michael Mann. With Thief, Mann burst onto the scene, showing right away that he was a director worthy of recognition. He had a full understanding of the craft, a well-developed sense of pacing, a steadfast hand for solid framing, an understanding of character development, and a terrific relationship with his cast that helped to elicit tremendous performances. What James Caan is doing here is absolutely fantastic. A big part of that is because, well, it’s Caan, but Mann gets credit as well for working with him to make this happen. As a side note, rest in peace, Caan; you’re a legend. What makes Thief so compelling is Mann’s bleak and dark understanding of the crime genre, which he has returned to over and over again in the subsequent decades. These dynamics, conversations, and environments are not always easy to represent on screen, but Mann seems to have no problem bringing them to life. There’s terrific work going on with Thief, and Mann definitely deserves this recognition for his directorial debut. 

Best Popular Film

Given to the best audience supported motion picture that earned a spot as one of the top 25 box office films of the year.

And the nominees are… Arthur, Chariots of Fire, On Golden Pond, Raiders of the Lost Ark, Stripes

And the winner is… Raiders of the Lost Ark!

I mean, you saw this coming, right? Raiders of the Lost Ark is considered by many to be the greatest adventure film ever made, and it’s hard to argue against. It was so incredibly popular and influential to the genre that there have been films recreating it for decades, and the film itself went on to spawn a major franchise that consists of four films, with a fifth one set to be released in 2023. In fact, the film has since been officially retitled as Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark to keep in line with the other films in the series. Raiders was a smash box office success. The marketing stressed it was the brainchild from the makers of Jaws and Star Wars. When people heard that Steven Spielberg and George Lucas were teaming up for a new adventure film, audiences came out in droves. The movie made over $212 million at the domestic box office, beating out Superman II by over $100 million. Worldwide, Raiders made a total of $354 million, making it the highest grossing film of 1981. Second place? For Your Eyes Only, which was over $150 million behind. Critically, the film also thrived. It was nominated for eight Academy Awards, including Best Director for Spielberg and Best Picture. It went on to win four, including Best Sound, Art Direction, Film Editing, and Visual Effects. In short, to say this film was successful would be a slap in the face to its legacy. It was beyond successful — it was massive. And it has gone on to last throughout the years as a part of our pop culture. Whether it’s the heroic score from John Williams which is so easily recognizable, the costume design of a leather jacket, a whip, and a fedora, the image of a boulder rolling down a hill, Nazis having their faces melt off, or just hilariously memorable lines about hating snakes and making up plans as you go, this movie is incredibly memorable and endlessly quotable. Raiders of the Lost Ark is truly one of the greatest films ever made, and absolutely deserves to be the Best Popular Film at the Oscars of 1982. 

Another month, another year of revisiting past Oscars is in the books. As always, I really enjoyed getting to go back and examine the prominent films from this year. Whether it’s arguably the greatest adventure film ever made, a tale about a spoiled millionaire trying to find purpose in life, or the generational hardships about growing old and relating to your children, there are a lot of great films and topics that are well worth your time to go back and revisit. However, the fun doesn’t stop here! Make sure to come back next month as we look at classics like The Thing, Tootsie, and E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial, and return to the Oscars of 1983, celebrating the films of 1982! 

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