by Jack Grimme, Contributing Writer
Sony’s record with the Spider-Man mythos has been turbulent to say the least. The actual mainline releases have had some lows, but generally range from entertaining to genuinely special moments in the larger superhero catalog. Then came Venom. On their own, these films have their merits, but they represent a more sinister trend for the franchise that has culminated in this month’s Madame Web. It is hard to see these Peter Parker-adjacent projects as anything other than a series of shameless cash grabs and Hail Marys at a half-successful live action Spider-Verse. With that being said, the movie still deserves a fair shot. It takes a lot more than a studio to bring something like this together.
Madame Web is led by Dakota Johnson as the titular Cassandra Webb, an awkward EMT who is plagued by extrasensory visions of the future after a near death experience. This sixth sense entangles Johnson’s future with the fate of a trio of teenagers as they are pursued through the streets of New York by a barefooted stranger. That description, and the film, are quite strange. Its zaniness, when handled with intention, is the film’s greatest strength. Unfortunately, the bulk of the film is unable to balance the tone and is muddied by the absurdity of the whole experience.
There is a tone for this that could’ve worked. The humor manages to shine through in a handful of the moments where the movie is allowed to recognize its preposterousness. More often than not, though, it attempts to interchange campiness with high stakes or tension and it just never quite comes together. This lack of cohesion is only made more apparent by the film’s sheer number of ludicrous beats. There are so many minor inconsistencies, nonsensical bits of dialogue, and truly inhuman interactions that I found myself wondering if this was written by a human or a ChatGPT prototype. The most egregious instances of this being a baby shower that must’ve had an alien as a party planner and Cassandra’s stilted one-sided conversations with Scrooge on her television. Most Spider-Verse films exist in a reality comparable to the real world, but at times it feels like the people in Madame Web are a wholly different species.
Sadly, the quirky tonal disparities are by far the most entertaining aspect of the project, which has all the hallmarks being rushed by the studio and then promptly eviscerated by endless reshoots and forced plot pivots. Johnson clearly does not want to be here and lacks the charisma of a typical action lead. The supporting cast is a bit better, but generally lacks the chemistry to make it worth spending time with them. And the nods and winks to the larger universe range from straight up boring to outright stomach churning.
The antagonist is an interesting case. Tahar Rahim’s Ezekiel Sims is stiff and unimpressive, but it’s hard to tell if that is the actor’s fault. The bulk of his dialogue seems to have been recorded after the fact and superimposed over the scenes. This is a relatively common practice in modern blockbusters, but here it is ridiculously obvious, leading to a distracting, disjointed viewing experience. Ezekiel is not the only one who gets this lazy treatment, but it is by far the most egregious, largely because it doesn’t even seem like they recorded the sentences together. It appears that Rahim’s voiceover was chopped and spliced by the word. You have to experience it to believe it. And this inexplicable choice is far from the worst editing decision made in Madame Web. The film uses Cassandra’s future sight as an excuse to have these horribly jarring instances of déjà vu that are paired with random ear piercing screams and earth shattering explosions. It is unironically the element that moves the film from unpleasant to borderline unbearable. It is an assault on the senses in every single way.
This release is just as messy as one would expect. I do not necessarily think less of the cast and crew for being a part of such a mess, because, at the end of the day, at least some creatives are getting paid. I do, however, continue to think less of the lifeless studio machine that would force out a movie about Spider-Man’s gardener if they thought it would make them a couple bucks. They continue to take pieces from a beloved property and force them together. And instead of them pairing to find a new life, they end up feeling like a grotesque zombified amalgamation that is begging the audience to be put down. One would hope that Sony will learn a lesson by this film’s flop, but it’s not like this is the first time they have made this mistake. Strangely, I do believe seeing Madame Web has granted me the ability to see the future. I won’t spoil too much, but fans of Mystery Science Theater 3000 are in for a truly special episode of television in a decade or two.
Rating: Hated It
Madame Web is currently playing in theaters
You can read more from Jack Grimme, and follow him on Twitter, Instagram, and Letterboxd