by Heath Lynch, Contributing Writer
If the Division didn’t know the real Agent Argylle had turned, why would they need to make them believe they were someone else in the first place? Why not just help Argylle heal and debrief them after they recover?
You know what, *record scratch* we’ll get back to that… and all the other massive plot holes that just make Argylle fall apart.
Matthew Vaughn has built a career over the past couple decades by, primarily, playing in the spy action/espionage thriller sandbox, while delivering extremely stylized action in hyperrealistic worlds. You can see this evolution from Layer Cake to X-Men: First Class, and over to Kingsman: The Secret Service. While his kinetic editing and intense energy doesn’t work for everyone, audiences have traditionally enjoyed his work. So much so that Vaughn’s newest film was marketed as being, “From the twisted mind of Matthew Vaughn.” Whether that moniker is earned or not doesn’t change the fact that this is how people perceive his films. So, with a whole new, original spy adventure in Argylle, does Vaughn keep the good times rolling, or does this train completely derail? Sadly, it’s the latter.
It’s as if someone saw Romancing the Stone and was like, “But what if James Bond instead of Indiana Jones?” But then Vaughn got a hold of the script, took a lot of drugs, and decided to crank everything up to 11 with no amount of plot constraint or logic. Argylle’s plot of a novelist getting wrapped up in a grand adventure that’s far bigger than themselves, yet somehow related to their writing, is not new. But it’s not as if it is a dried up well, so there are still plenty of opportunities for creative and fun stories to be told, but this movie never achieves that, because it never comes to terms with what kind of story it wants to tell, and what tone it wants to take.
The first act of this film is quite dull. There’s a malaise that hangs over everything as the wheels spin and spin, waiting for the story to gain traction. A decent action sequence in a train kicks things off, but it’s nothing to sink your teeth into. But shortly after this, when we get to the second act, the flick becomes completely overstuffed with eye-roll-inducing twists. I could actively feel my frustration levels growing and my attention span slipping away from me, like sand through my fingers. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy a good twist, but it has to be a good twist. Additionally, you can’t have too many twists or else your movie loses its foundation, and nothing matters after a while. But there’s literally a scene in which there are multiple twists within a matter of minutes that completely change the context of the movie. There comes a point when I throw my hands up in the air when nothing seems to matter anymore, and it’s a damn shame that I reached this point in the movie, not even halfway through.
But you remember the record scratch? I told you we’d get back to it, so let’s go…
Without spoiling anything, all I can say is that the movie’s entire premise is flawed from the jump, when the entire concept rests on someone’s memory being tampered with by sinister people. But when the tampered individual and sinister people are on the same team… well, why? Why the tampering in the first place? Due to a heavy dose of dramatic irony, the audience is aware of the truth, but the sinister characters are not, so they would’ve had no incentive to do what they did. So, in reality, the only reason these events take place is… because movie. Now, I can take a “because movie” like a champ. Films, Hollywood, they do this all the time. But these are usually smaller instances in a bigger picture. A little MacGuffin here, a deus ex machina there, voilà! But when the entire premise of your movie, and all the subsequent conflict and relationship drama, hinges on this one thing, you better make sure it makes sense. But this surely doesn’t. And there’s no quicker way to take me out of a movie than when its entire premise falls apart. There are a plethora of other twists and plot holes, and I could go on equally long rants about how they broke my immersion into this world, but I frankly just don’t care enough to type them all out. Plus, you know, spoilers. But just know that there are a ton of moments that will leave you scratching your head and/or rolling your eyes.
But Vaughn usually has fun and charismatic performances in his movies, as well as compelling and stylish action, right? There has to be something redeeming there?
No.
Argylle somehow manages to get a bunch of incredibly talented actors to perform uncharacteristically badly. Sam Rockwell, a personal favorite of mine, is the only one who breathes any life into this flick, but even he is only doing it about half the time. The other half he is sleepwalking. In fact, speaking of sleepwalking, our famous author, Bryce Dallas Howard, seems equally uninterested in being a part of this movie most of its runtime. I never bought these two as their characters. Their line readings are painfully flat and boring far too often. I don’t want to say these were purely paycheck performances, but they are damn near close. There’s just such a lack of passion, interest, or believability between them that it’s immersion-breaking for me. And the chemistry between them? None. There’s negative chemistry. The final scene, where someone is just… okay with a certain outcome, completely giving up on a situation, and we as an audience are supposed to be impressed by the meaning and expression behind the inaction? This was one of the very few times I laughed watching this movie, and it was definitely me laughing at it, because that scene is ridiculous.
Even the supporting roles are quite lackluster. Sure, Bryan Cranston, Catherine O’Hara, and Samuel L Jackson are here physically, but they’re not doing much. Hell, Jackson just sits in a chair and watches a Lakers game most of the three minutes he’s on the screen. Sofia Boutella, John Cena, Ariana DeBose, and Dua Lipa are all equally underused and unimpressive. The worst, though, is Henry Cavill, a one-time would-be Bond who only lost the role to Daniel Craig two decades ago because he was too young, and who once crushed it as a Bond-esque figure in The Man from U.N.C.L.E., is completely blasé. He exudes no charisms and is generally uninteresting. Also, I’m sorry, but that haircut? Dear God, no. Frankly, I blame Vaughn for most of this. He had oversight on this script and how these characters would be used, and he directed these actors. Why he was okay with half-assed and snooze-inducing performances is beyond me.
Vaughn also burdens us with awful green screen and visual effects throughout this entire film. I’m shocked that this looks as poor as it does, given it had a $200 million budget behind it. Vaughn was able to make Kick-Ass, X-Men: First Class, and Kingsman: The Secret Service look better with smaller budgets over a decade ago, but he can’t make this work? I thought for a second that the movie looked bad during its cold open because it was a story within a story. It was fantasy, not real. So I would’ve been more forgiving of the fakeness in the aesthetic, since the story itself was fake. But the subsequent first act train sequence proved that wasn’t an artistic decision, but foreshadowing for the awful that was to come. This is most articulated in the third act action finale, which feels like it goes on for approximately seven years, with a gunfight in a haze of colorful smoke, or an elaborate oil figure skating sequence, that all look fake as hell. Beyond the fact that, by this point in the movie, I was completely disconnected due to the poor story, multitude of twists, and sour acting, watching these absurd scenes prattle on for far too long while we drown in poor visual effects certainly sealed the deal when it came to my distaste of this film.
The sad part about all of this is that I’m usually a Vaughn defender, and I enjoy his antics! If someone was going to like Argylle, it was most likely going to be me! I like the over-the-top shenanigans, the absurd characters, the fun action, and the outrageous laughter. But this is just a hot mess. Especially when it comes to the comedy, or lack of comedy, really. It wasn’t even just me either — my nearly packed theater auditorium had maybe a handful of laughs the entire film. So few jokes connect, it’s disappointing. Vaughn doesn’t even nail his kinetic editing, which is usually one of his signatures, and the film drags on for an unnecessary 139 minutes. Even his usually catchy needle-drops are largely absent. The most interesting song used in relation to this movie was Elvis’s “Suspicious Minds,” which was used in the trailer and not the movie itself. Nothing in the film proper remotely matches that energy or exuberance.
Seeing as Apple spent $200 million for the rights and production of this film (and we’re still not accounting for marketing), there’s no way it turns a profit, and it’s going to likely be a massive bomb. Vaughn was once must-see entertainment for me, but this is now his third film in succession that has just gotten worse and worse. Hearing that he wants to turn this film into a franchise, and that he wants to create his own spy film universe with his Kingsman movies tying into this down the road, well… I’m nervous. I just don’t see a world in which this is going to end well. All in all, unfortunately, Argylle ends up being the worst film of Vaughn’s directorial career, and I’m scared for what’s next.
It appears that the real Agent Argylle is the depression we gained along the way.
Rating: Hated It
Argylle is currently playing in theaters
You can read more from Heath Lynch, and follow him on Letterboxd