by Alice-Ginevra Micheli, Contributing Writer

Do you want to experience real time travel? I’m sure you’re curious, right? It’s something that everyone would choose to even slightly experience should they be given the chance. Well, if you’re younger or weren’t conscious circa 2003, and have always wanted what it was like almost 20 years ago, boy do I have the movie for you.

However, I’m not talking about the type of time-travel that comes from a movie perfectly recreating the environment and experience of living in that time. No, I’m talking about watching a movie that is already so undeniably and unfathomably dated that it feels like its quality in production, storytelling, and pacing belongs right alongside such films as Daredevil and Ang Lee’s Hulk

But I digress. First, I guess I should tell you what this “movie” is about. Following esteemed, but ailing, biochemist Michael Morbius (Jared Leto), we witness his mission to find a cure for the rare blood disease that he suffers from. However, when his experiment goes wrong, he inadvertently infects himself with a form of vampirism. Cue: Marvel’s The Batman. I’m just kidding, it’s just called Morbius

Plagued with reshoots, reschedules, and a fanbase that had almost already made up its mind regarding quality, there really hasn’t been a lot of positive hype surrounding this film’s release. It’s because of this that I was actually primed to be pleasantly surprised. It’s not an original sentiment, but I’m always gunning for the underdog. For those who everyone has written off for seemingly no solid enough reason. It’s why I actually don’t hate Jared Leto. 

I think the guy has a lot of talent actually, as has been seen again recently in his turn as WeWork founder, Adam Neumann on the Apple TV+ series WeCrashed. I was also a proper 30 Seconds To Mars fan back in the day, so I’ve always had a soft spot for the actor, turned singer, turned back to actor. Do I think the “method” to his madness is at times extreme, and at others completely unnecessary? Yes. However, that’s not to say that I wasn’t ready to invite him into the Marvel Hall of Heroes with open arms. 

I can tell you right now that those arms have been shut, closed, bolted, nailed down, and removed from sight — and it’s not Leto’s fault. In fact, it might be surprising to hear that he was the “best” part of the movie by far. By which I mean, he did well enough in his role — as good as anyone could do in what was ultimately an atrocious use of budget. He made it barely watchable.

The entire experience was wholly predictable, and not in an, “ah yes, I can see where this is going” way; more in an, “it’s been 20 minutes, and I can now accurately give you a play-by-play of the rest of the hour and 20 minutes because it’s so obvious, and pedestrian.”

There’s nothing new, interesting, or even exciting that happens in this movie. The villain is boring, aimless, and unbelievable (not in the good way). The story is so lacking that I don’t even think it truly qualifies as a plot, as much as a first act that somehow got stretched to feature length — and do not get me started on the love interest or romantic sub-plot. 

I would comment on the other performances, but honestly, I can’t even qualify them due to all the characters having so little to do beyond saying their lines and performing the most basic of actions.

It might sound like I’m going quite hard on this movie; after all, it can’t be all bad, can it? Yes, yes it can. I feel like that meme of Tyra Banks screaming at an ANTM contestant “We were all rooting for you!” I was rooting for this film to fight back against the haters and show that this story could be interesting. I was rooting for this movie to bring something new, dark, and gritty to the table, showing that not all Marvel has to be bright and colorful. I was rooting for a new antihero to be welcomed to the table, and for Leto to have his chance in the proverbial franchise sun. I got none of that, and somehow even less. 

Having said all of that, I still had fun watching this movie. Not because I enjoyed it, but because I went with a good friend of mine, and we spent a lot of its runtime making fun of as many moments as we could — and so did everyone else in the cinema. We laughed, but not because we were supposed to. We cringed, but not because the filmmaker intended it. We paid for it so that I could see it early enough to write this review. 

So to wrap up my thoughts, do not pay for this movie. If you’re a completionist like me, and feel you have to watch it to keep fully up to date, I fully support your passion, but wait. My recommendation would be to invite a close friend over, prepare some popcorn and your favorite form of alcohol, and watch it when it comes to your closest streaming service. 

Morbius was a morbid experience, and not in a good way. 

Score: 4/10

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