by Heath Lynch, Contributing Writer
The summer blockbuster season is over! Inside Out 2 reigns supreme, with Deadpool & Wolverine clocking in at a close second place. It was an interesting season, as many pundits were ready to declare that the theater industry was dead by Memorial Day, but now that we’ve reached the finish line, we see that there were billions of dollars to be made. What a wild ride!
But we’re not here to dissect the summer blockbuster season. No, we’re here to look back at award seasons long gone. As a reminder, with Oscars: What If…, we look at categories the Academy Awards should be honoring, but for one reason or another, they aren’t. So we’re going to imagine what could’ve been regarding past Oscar seasons. Hopefully someday the Academy will do right by these creative talents, but until then we must do the their job for them. Let’s look back at the year NASA landed the Opportunity and Spirit rovers on Mars, the Summer Olympic Games returned to their birthplace of Athens, Greece for the first time since the modern incarnation of the games in 1896, Nintendo created and released the best-selling handheld video game console ever made in the Nintendo DS, and Mark Zuckerberg launched a little website that would go on to change the face of social media, and the world, called The Facebook. It would be a minute before he dropped the “The”… he found it to be cleaner. It is time to examine the films of 2004, celebrated at the Oscars in 2005. Let’s see what could have been!
Best Stunts and Choreography
Given to the best achievement in dance, stunts, related performances, and overall choreography.
And the nominees are… The Bourne Supremacy, Kill Bill: Volume 2, Shaun of the Dead, Spider-Man 2, Troy
And the winner is… Spider-Man 2!
The temptation to be bold and brave by nominating Team America: World Police was stronger than I care to elaborate on. But in the interest of writing a fair and accurate column, and giving the proper films the recognition that they deserve, I withheld. You’re welcome, dear reader. My apologies, Trey Parker and Matt Stone.
When I say that this was the toughest pick for an Oscars: What If… winner I’ve ever made, I want you to know I’m not kidding. In a first for this series, I had to use a lifeline. I polled the audience. Audience, in this case, being other film critic friends of mine, but still. I genuinely couldn’t make a decision here. I wrote up blurbs for each of these titles, because I think you could make justifiable arguments for each one taking home the gold. But in the end, Spider-Man 2 is going home the champion. Supremacy has the epic car chase, Bill has the well defined martial arts, Shaun slings vinyl and beats zombies down to Queen, and the duel between Achilles and Hector in Troy is one of the greatest single action scenes ever put to film, but I’m giving it to New York’s beloved web-slinger. Maybe it’s because of the train fight alone that’s simply jaw-dropping. Perhaps it’s fighting on the side of a building or the destruction of the bank. It could be that it’s impressive how well the practical tentacle arms for Doc Ock are utilized in combat, especially when mixed back with CGI. Honestly, it’s likely all of these things and more working in conjunction to make one helluva impression when it comes to original, well-constructed stunt work and choreography. Ask me on a different day and I likely give you a different answer. But on this day, we’re giving the crown to Spider-Man 2!
Best Performance by Voiceover or Motion Capture
Given to the best off screen voice performance, or on screen motion captured performance.
And the nominees are… Chieko Baisho as Sophie in Howl’s Moving Castle, Brad Bird as Edna Mode in The Incredibles, Tom Hanks as Various in The Polar Express, Holly Hunter as Helen Parr/Elastigirl in The Incredibles, Craig T. Nelson as Bob Parr/Mr. Incredible in The Incredibles, Trey Parker as Various in Team America: World Police
And the winner is… Brad Bird as Edna Mode in The Incredibles!
Yeah! I knew I could find a way to get Team America on the record books. Mission accomplished. Apologies still to Matt Stone.
There is a world in which The Incredibles gets all five of these nominations with Bird and Nelson, along with Holly Hunter, Samuel L. Jackson, and Jason Lee. I wouldn’t be shocked if some of you reading this are already annoyed at these selections. But I’m going with what I feel is right, internet vitriol be damned! And to that end, yes… the winner is a voice performance that doesn’t even have five minutes of screen time. Again, vitriol be damned! What Bird is doing here is simply amazing. An authentic and unique character that’s instantly iconic and immediately identifiable with such little screen time is an achievement unto itself. We feel as though we understand Edna as a character, and all aspects of her brash, forward-facing personality, from the word “go.” Bird is wry, condescending, witty, and sharp. The voice itself is reminiscent of old Hollywood voice actors who would actually craft interesting characters, before the times where we just cast celebrities to talk in their everyday voice. What’s most impressive is that Bird wasn’t even supposed to play Edna. He just read her lines at a table-read and was so funny that the entire cast demanded he play the part for real. And we’re glad they did, because we get to reap the benefits of this hilarious, now Oscar-winning, performance!
Best Performance by an Ensemble Cast
Given to the best overall ensemble cast performance.
And the nominees are… Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy, The Aviator, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Shaun of the Dead, Sideways
And the winner is… Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind!
It was much more challenging picking out the five nominees for this category than it was to pick the winner. There was never any doubt. I’m well aware that the man has written other incredible films, but to me, this is the pinnacle of Charlie Kaufman’s stellar career. A true masterpiece in screenwriting that only works if there’s a talented ensemble cast in tow to convincingly portray these complex and emotion-rich characters. And, oh boy, this cast doesn’t miss. Jim Carrey and Kate Winslet are tremendous, better yet, perfect, in the two lead roles. Carrey’s shy reservation up against Winslet’s boisterous flamboyance is a dynamic I could take in for hours. Watching as their paths converge, split apart, and come together again is truly riveting because they’re both delivering such sincere, raw performances. These are authentic and relatable characters. Winslet was, rightfully, even nominated for Best Supporting Actress for her efforts here. In conjunction with these two powerhouses at the helm, you also have Kirsten Dunst, Mark Ruffalo, Elijah Wood, and Tom Wilkinson all turning in exceptional work. Each one of them is giving their all to this project and delivering distinct characters that are at once complex and entertaining. I could watch a version of this story from each one of the six perspectives of these actor’s characters and I’d be completely enthralled, they all deliver so well. So without a doubt in my body, the Oscar for Best Ensemble has to go to Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind!
Best Directorial Debut
Given to the best achievement in direction by a debut directing talent.
And the nominees are… Sean Baker and Shih-Ching Tsou for Take Out, Jared Hess for Napoleon Dynamite, Adam McKay for Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy, James Wan for Saw, Edgar Wright for Shaun of the Dead
And the winner is… Edgar Wright for Shaun of the Dead!
Sorry, Snyder bros. No Dawn of the Dead for you! We have Shaun instead…
As if there was ever a doubt. Wright is definitely taking this one home. Sure, you could make the argument that Wright’s pictures are overproduced, indulgent, and edited to high hell. But I will not hear any of those arguments because all of those attributes work so well here in the crafting of his overarching style and tone. He’s one of the rare breed of directors, like a Wes Anderson, who burst onto the scene with a unique sense of purpose and a distinct flavor to him. You can spot a Wright film from a mile away, and that all started here with Shaun of the Dead. A brilliantly scripted satire of the horror genre and zombie film sub-genre, which also stands on its own as one of the best entries in said genre and subgenre. Bursting with fully-formed characters, convincing performances, sincere emotional moments, a tight, action-packed script, and more jokes and humor that you can hit with a cricket bat, this movie is a straight up banger. There’s a reason it’s still so beloved today. Wright made a borderline masterpiece right out of the gate, and he deserves to be rewarded for this incredible filmmaking achievement.
Best Popular Film
Given to the best audience supported motion picture that earned a spot as one of the top 25 box office films of the year.
And the nominees are… Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, The Incredibles, The Passion of the Christ, Spider-Man 2, Troy
And the winner is… The Incredibles!
Can you hear it? It’s all the people screaming out into the void that Shrek 2, the number-one domestic box office hit of this year, is not even nominated for this award. All the people furious that their favorite ogre can’t wear the crown. Well, I have three things to say to those people. One, sorry. Two, I feel your rose-colored nostalgia glasses and cherished memories are affecting things a bit too much. And three, it’s my column, Imma nominate and award what I want!
This was an interesting year at the box office. A lot of smash hits were not loved either critics or audiences. Finding box office successes that also excelled critically wasn’t easy. The overlap on the Venn diagram was small. But we got there. And the champion to come out on top of it all is our favorite superhero family, the Fantastic F — err, The Incredibles! This Pixar family adventure flick brought in a staggering $261.4 million domestically, and a total of $631.6 million worldwide. That’s fifth and fourth places, respectively. Audiences ate this up. It helped that it was Pixar, a family-friendly movie coming out just a few weeks prior to Thanksgiving, and that everyone and their mom weren’t burnt out on superhero flicks yet. The Incredibles took advantage of all of these things to bring home hauls of cash.
Outside of the audience appeal, our favorite family of heroes were critical darlings too. The Incredibles stands tall with a certified fresh 97% rating on Rotten Tomatoes. It was nominated for four Academy Awards, including Best Original Screenplay. It took home two of those statues, including Best Animated Film. Is that not enough for you? No worries. The Incredibles won 18 (that I could find) different Best Animated Film awards across a variety of different awards programs. Pretty much, if The Incredibles was nominated for an animation award in 2005, it was winning that award. The move was a freight train, barreling over any and all competition. So for its universal acclaim, praise, and love, which is still felt to this day by audiences around the world, I’m happy to award The Incredibles as the Best Popular Film.
Thanks for joining me on another trip down memory lane to see what could’ve been! We got to talk about our favorite animated family, wax poetic about a cathartic Kaufman mind-bender, and reminisce about one of the greatest superhero films ever made to date. Be sure to come back next month when we take the time to look at films like Batman Begins, Pride & Prejudice, and Brokeback Mountain. We’ll be returning for the Oscars of 2006, celebrating the films of 2005!
You can read more from Heath Lynch, and follow him on Letterboxd