by Heath Lynch, Contributing Writer
Whelp, it looks like the Academy is barreling face-first into a Crash. So since they seem completely content to do intense, possibly irreparable, damage to their reputation and credibility due to their slurping of Emilia Pérez, we are needed now more than ever to do the right thing. Sorry, Spike, not trying to steal from you. As a reminder, with Oscars: What If…, we look at categories the Academy Awards should be honoring, but for one reason or another, they aren’t. So we’re going to imagine what could’ve been regarding past Oscar seasons. Hopefully someday the Academy will do right by these creative talents, but until then we must do the Academy’s job for them. Let’s look back at the year Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows was released to complete the best-selling book series of all time, Tumblr launched as a brand new social website, the new hit sitcom The Big Bang Theory started airing, Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare released, changing the direction of online gaming for years, and Apple released a little device called the iPhone. It is time to examine the films of 2007, celebrated at the Oscars in 2008. Let’s see what could have been!
Best Stunts and Choreography
Given to the best achievement in dance, stunts, related performances, and overall choreography.
And the nominees are… The Bourne Ultimatum, Enchanted, Hairspray, Hot Fuzz, Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End
And the winner is… Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End!
I know, I know. It’s incredibly frustrating that Hot Rod didn’t even get a nomination, let alone a win. What is this sham of a column?!
But it is time our favorite rum-loving belligerents got their due. Whether they’re flipping ships, invading underground hideouts in Singapore, or having a massive battle in the middle of a hurricane, At World’s End slaps when it comes to its stunt work. Honestly, its final action set piece is so long it could be its own short film. Constant swashbuckling, cannon fire throwing shrapnel through the air, ships nearly capsizing under the breaking waves, and even people flying through the air as they dangle from the rigging of sails under gale force winds. You can sit there in wonder as you watch bodies fly across the screen and intense sword fights that last for 15 minutes straight. Really would’ve loved to give this to Hairspray for its amazing dance choreography, but in the end it has to go to the buccaneers.
Best Performance by Voiceover or Motion Capture
Given to the best off screen voice performance, or on screen motion captured performance.
And the nominees are… Dan Castellaneta as Various in The Simpsons Movie, Janeane Garofalo as Collette Tatou in Ratatouille, Bill Nighy as Davy Jones in Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End, Peter O’Toole as Anton Ego in Ratatouille, Patton Oswalt as Remy in Ratatouille
And the winner is… Peter O’Toole as Anton Ego in Ratatouille!
This had to happen for three reasons. One, we already awarded Bill Nighy an Oscar last time for Dead Man’s Chest, and he had far less to do in At World’s End, so I don’t feel bad not giving him the win, even though he’s easily second best. Two, Peter O’Toole holds the record for the most Oscar nominations without actually ever bringing home the gold, and that’s just unacceptable. Three, and most importantly, O’Toole deserves this. His passionate and layered performance as pompous food critic Anton Ego is a vocal performance for the ages. Embodying vitriol and malice with his cutting critique, while still holding an inner vulnerability that’s immediately relatable to the inner child in all of us, O’Toole’s characterization is perfect. The heartfelt speech he delivers at the film’s conclusion about the vulnerability of an artist willing to put their work out to the criticism of others is a moment of beauty that only O’Toole could capitalize on, and he doesn’t let us down. So for all these reasons, I couldn’t be more happy to say, Peter O’Toole, please come receive your Oscar! Rest in peace, legend.
Best Performance by an Ensemble Cast
Given to the best overall ensemble cast performance.
And the nominees are… Hairspray, Hot Fuzz, Juno, No Country for Old Men, Zodiac
And the winner is… Zodiac!
Well, of course one of the best years in the history of film would deliver a bevy of incredible ensemble performances. There were so many more that I wanted to nominate that we simply don’t have room for. Even when it comes to picking a winner, this wasn’t an easy choice. But, much like how we had to right a wrong when it came to Peter O’Toole earlier, it’s time to correct yet another Academy travesty. David Fincher’s Zodiac is, to put it bluntly, a masterpiece. Some, myself included, even consider it his greatest work ever. Yet somehow, this dark, true crime, murder mystery thriller wasn’t even nominated for a single Oscar. We fix that now by awarding Jake Gyllenhaal, Mark Ruffalo, Anthony Edwards, Chloë Sevigny, John Carroll Lynch, Brian Cox, and Robert Downey Jr. with some much deserved gold. Hell, throw an extra trophy Charles Fleischer’s way just for making that basement scene so damn creepy. This cast exudes tension and raw honesty in such a way that it makes every aspect of this story truly terrifying. Even more interesting are the moments of vulnerable chemistry between Ruffalo and Edwards, Gyllenhaal and Sevigny, and Gyllenhaal and Downey Jr. that give insight, not just into these characters, but to the human condition. This is one of the all-time great ensemble performances deserving of all the praise it receives.
Best Directorial Debut
Given to the best achievement in direction by a debut directing talent.
And the nominees are… Ben Affleck for Gone Baby Gone, Stephen J. Anderson for Meet the Robinsons, Tony Gilroy for Michael Clayton, Vincent Paronnaud and Marjane Satrapi for Persepolis, Taika Waititi for Eagle vs. Shark
And the winner is… Tony Gilroy for Michael Clayton!
Not gonna lie, I really wanted to give this one to Mr. Affleck. The talent he exhibited with Gone Baby Gone, leading to work like The Town and Argo, proves Ben knows what he’s doing, and I’d love to reward him for his debut. However, I’m consistent. If the Academy is going to reward someone, we’re going to take note. Well, Michael Clayton was nominated for Best Picture at the Oscars, and Tony Gilroy was also nominated for Best Director. So it seems kinda stupid to not give the win here to Gilroy when he already received more prestigious nominations for this work. And to be fair, as much as I’d like to reward Affleck, Gilroy is no slouch. His composition, framing, and work with his cast show such immediate range and talent. His career spent primarily working as a writer with a lot of action intensive movies shows he has a great handle on tension and pacing, making for a really compelling film. It’s a shame Gilroy’s film-directing career has since amounted to virtually nothing (he’s the mind behind Andor), but we’ll at least make sure he receives props for his work here.
Best Popular Film
Given to the best audience supported motion picture that earned a spot as one of the top 25 box office films of the year.
And the nominees are… 300, The Bourne Ultimatum, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, I am Legend, Ratatouille
And the winner is… Ratatouille!
Okay, so this was a bit of a rough year, yet again, for Best Popular Film. Not in picking a winner, mind you, but to find five nominees. Because, while there were certainly a lot of movies that made a lot of money, solidifying them as ‘Popular,’ how many people (memes aside) are ready to say Transformers, Spider-Man 3, National Treasure: Book of Secrets, and Shrek the Third are good movies? Hardly anyone is solidifying these as the best of anything. So while we may have jumped over several big box office performers to get to these five, we did the right thing. Speaking of the right thing, we’re naming Ratatouille the Best Popular Film of the year!
It just had to happen, I don’t know what to tell you.
While Ratatouille technically made the least amount of money at the domestic box office out of all the nominees, since our nominees don’t even include the top four box office earners of the year, the gap in dollars isn’t nearly as extreme as it would’ve been in other years. Even still, our favorite chef Remy is no joke, bringing in $206.4 million domestically, and a staggering $623.7 million worldwide. So while this may not have been as popular as others, it certainly was popular. Frankly, it still is popular, as its reputation has only grown with time — many consider Ratatouille to be one of, if not the greatest, Pixar film of all-time. Those people are correct, by the way. Beyond being incredibly beloved, Ratatouille is also an awards darling. The stiffest competition in this regard would be The Bourne Ultimatum, which went a perfect three for three at the Oscars, as it brought home the gold for Film Editing, Sound Editing, and Sound Mixing. But Ratatouille took home some Oscars gold as well, with Best Animated Feature. This is the cherry on top of having five Oscar nominations in total, tied for second most Oscar noms by an animated film ever, only behind Beauty and the Beast and Wall-E. Remy also took home the gold at the BAFTAs, Critics Choice, and Golden Globes, amongst many others. Hell, Michael Giacchino even won a Grammy for his score for Ratatouille. This film couldn’t help but bring home the gold.
So who are we to argue?
We love this film, and we’re more than happy to bestow at least one more accolade upon this animated masterpiece. Ratatouille is our Best Popular Film!
Thanks for joining me on another trip down memory lane to see what could’ve been! We got to talk about our favorite cooking rat, the epic conclusion to the original Pirates trilogy, and the most disrespected film of 2007 Oscars. Be sure to come back next month when we take the time to look at films like Tropic Thunder, Slumdog Millionaire, and The Dark Knight. We’ll return for the Oscars of 2009, celebrating the films of 2008!
You can read more from Heath Lynch, and follow him on Letterboxd